By Christine Ford
Article from KABOOSE
Emotions, Egos & Awkward Limbs
Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails, that may be what little boys are made of, but it’s important to remember that whether he’s a Dennis the Menace or a Prince Charming, your little boy is also made of emotions, egos and awkward limbs.
That said, self-esteem and self-confidence are critical in boys. Helping bolster their confidence means many things, including offering encouragement in weak areas, as well as in places where they already excel. “My son had some gross motor skill issues, so it was important for us to build his self-confidence in that regard,” says Liane G., who lives with her three-year-old son and husband, in New York City. "It’s telling him when he’s done something well, especially when it comes to things that require fine motor skills that other kids in the class might be better at, such as painting, drawing and making things with play dough.” She adds, “It means a lot to him when he sees he can do it too.”
"My boys have 800% energy," says Julie LaRusso, a mother of two boys, Liam, aged 5 and Luke, age 6, who lives with her husband in Washingtonville, NY. “They like to be moving and engaged. Both my husband and I are very into sports and now so are my children. Luke did his first mountain bike race and loved it. And he is going to be doing his first kid-version triathlon soon. He likes to go out on his bike with me while I am training and he 'trains' along with me.” She adds, “My son likes to feel like he is doing something adult-like. My other son just got his first library card and has joined the reading program. That makes him feel proud to know he can do something grown up like take books out and read them."
Being Tough & Expressing Emotion
Even in our modern society, boys still often get the message that they have to be tough and not show emotion. This can lead to frustration and negative behavior as children don’t feel they can truly express themselves.
It’s important to let kids value their personal strengths and to claim their own weaknesses too—that’s what makes them unique. It’s all part of who they are,” says Ginny Deerin, Founder and CEO of WINGS for Kids, an afterschool program based in Charleston, S.C., that is designed to develop social and emotional skills.
Emotions and being able to express them are also a big factor in self confidence. “At a very young age we can start building self confidence by helping kids to understand their feelings. Just like they need their ABC’s, kids need an emotional vocabulary too,” says Deerin. “Parents need to teach them emotion words of all kinds, not just mad, happy and sad. This is part of understanding that emotions are nothing to hide.”
“My son’s school is very focused on social and emotional well-being,” says Liane. Both girls and boys are told to use their words and to express their feelings. “We tell them it’s OK to cry. It’s OK to show your feelings or not be strong. You’re not a baby if you poop in your pants or cry.”
One activity you might want to try that Deerin uses at her program, is taking pictures of your child making different faces. Write the feeling on the back and then use them as flash cards. Kids love to do this with their own faces as well as others. Later when your child is having a hard time expressing himself, you can ask him to pick the photo that shows how he’s feeling and then talk about it.
Peer pressure can however be a factor says LaRusso. “I don’t think my boys ever knew that being tough rule growing up, or what was supposed to be cool. But now that the oldest is in school,” she adds, “he’ll hear that doing this or that is ‘babyish.’ Then he turns around and repeats that to the younger one and suddenly he thinks it’s too babyish too.” Explains LaRusso, “My youngest son is a different boy when the older one is around, so I make sure to give them both personal time with mom and dad away from each other.”
Potty Training
Potty training can be another confidence boost or bust, for boys. “My son has the pee pee thing down but he’s still not 100% on the pooping part,” explains Liane. “And I can tell he feels bad about it. So to boost his confidence I play the cheerleader role and tell him, 'it’s OK, you can do it.' But you know what, if he’s not ready, he’s not ready. It’s not the end of the world.”
“Like any task for preschoolers, potty training is a challenge and involves the mastery of urination and defecation, which are two different things,” explains Dr LoFrumento, a certified pediatrician and author of the Simply Parenting series of books. “What I have heard from parents is that girls seem to have more of an incentive to avoid sitting in messy poop. Boys seem to play longer with dirty diapers. “
Not to worry though, as there doesn’t seem to be anything that links toilet training with long term confidence issues. Explains Lofrumento, “It would only be an issue if a parent berated a child for a delay in toilet training, instead of allowing it to occur at the child's developmental level. Boys do train later than girls but most children should be trained no later than 4 years old. If there is real difficulty, then parents should consult their pediatricians for advice. “
Problem Solving & Communication
Other confidence factors include the ability to ask questions and solve problems. “Letting kids solve their own problems is a great confidence builder,” says Deerin. “Instead of dictating what needs to happen, simply state the problem and let the child decide how to fix it.”
According to Liane, her son is already learning how to take charge of a situation and ask the right questions. “The other day I lost my school pass and mentioned I needed to find out how to get a new one. I was so proud when my son walked right up to the security guard and said, ‘Excuse me, how would my mommy get another pass?’ The guard smiled and told him what he needed to know ."
Showing kids how to ask for things is just as important as knowing when to ask for them. Liane’s advice for other moms: “Give them the words they need to ask the right questions. If he wants to know that little girls name, tell him, ‘Go over and ask her what her name is.’ Boys feel confident when they have the right words that will allow someone to answer them in the appropriate manner.”
Positive self-talk is also an important part of communication. “We monitor negative self-talk in our program and actively replace critical comments with supportive ones,” says Deerin. “Parents can help kids think about situations without pointing the finger directly. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t be shy," you might say, “You know, a shy kid would need to encourage himself to walk up to a group of people that he doesn’t know and introduce himself.”
Father Figure or Male Role Model
According to a review published in Acta Paediatrica in 2008, children do have better odds for a healthier adult life if they have a father figure, or some form of male role model involved in their lives.
"Our detailed 20-year review shows that overall, children reap positive benefits if they have active and regular engagement with a father figure," says Dr. Anna Sarkadi from the Department of Women's and Children's Health at Uppsala University, Sweden. “For example, we found various studies that showed that children who had positively involved father figures were less likely to smoke and get into trouble with the police, achieved better levels of education, and developed good friendships with children of both sexes.”
Her son has a great relationship with his dad, says Liane. “My husband roughhouses with him in a different way than I will. They like the same cartoons, he bought him a mini-shaving kit and they get ready in the morning together. When my son fought me about putting on underpants, my husband put on his tighty whities and my son put on his SpongeBob undies. They did the ‘tushy dance’ around the living room and now my son thinks it's fun to wear them. The two of them talk about cars and have inside guy jokes. That’s something he just can’t get from me.” But more importantly, she adds, “My husband cuddles with our son, shows emotion, kisses him and tells him he loves him. And since they have that bond, he gets the message that it’s OK for guys to be loving and emotional.”
Article from KABOOSE
