Building Self-Confidence in Sport and Motherhood
Published on June 4, 2010
I'm six weeks into training for my first triathlon and while racking up miles in the pool and on the road, I've stumbled onto a revelation about myself as an athlete...and as a mom. Like many women, I often subconsciously undermine myself. I will tell people I'm doing a race in July to mark my 40th birthday and then immediately dismiss it by adding, "But it's ONLY an Olympic distance."
It was my sweet husband who first pointed this out to me when he declared that I was crazy to try to do my bike workouts on a bicycle meant more for leisure riding than racing.
"I'm not fast," I told him, "This one is fine."
But after a few discouraging workouts, laboring and lagging far behind the cluster of cyclists on much lighter bikes, I realized I was not giving myself nor my training its due. I wasn't valuing what I was setting out to do. And because of that, I was falling short and getting discouraged. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Often in motherhood, many of us do the very same thing. We don't get enough sleep. We don't sit down to eat a meal during the day. We put off our own trips to the dentist and the doctor until something is really wrong. We don't maintain the very equipment (our bodies and souls) that we need to accomplish all the tasks that fill our busy lives. And then, we pile on a list of superhuman expectations.
"Moms are typically conditioned to put themselves last. And by the time it's their turn, they have no time, energy or motivation left for their own self care, " says Debi Silber, the healthy lifestyle expert known as The Mojo Coach and a mom of four children. In her Long Island, N.Y. coaching practice, Silber, who is also a registered dietitian, counsels moms on getting fit and finding more balance. She says an important step is placing more value on the long list of tasks moms accomplish every day and being more realistic. Her mantra: "Progress versus perfection."
There is research to back up Silber's approach. Sports psychologists call it "mastery" -- the idea that as one develops and improves skills, each incremental success leads to greater self-confidence. In their book, Foundations of Sport and Exercise Psychology, authors Robert S. Weinberg and Daniel Gould, explain there is a strong correlation between self-belief and superior performance in athletes and exercisers. They write that analyses of 28 different studies reveal this to be true across a wide variety of team and individual sports.
Dr. Jenn Berman, a Los Angeles-based family therapist and former U.S. Junior National Champion in rhythmic gymnastics, says the research can apply to motherhood.
"The experience of achieving your goals creates a great sense of self-efficacy in moms, just like great athletes," she says.
Berman, a mother of twins, suggests that moms set goals they can attain each day in order to build self-confidence. For example, ditch the compulsion to bake cookies from scratch or shuttle your two kids to five different activities. Instead, be kind to yourself and reasonable about what you really have time to get done on your to-do list.
"When you make things more manageable and meet every goal you set down, you start to think of yourself as someone who always keeps her promises to herself and her kids," she says.
And that elevates your sense of self-confidence. For me, the triathlon training has provided many opportunities to put this exercise into practice. I've since started riding a road bike (an early birthday present from my husband.) I'm starting to feel more official, like I "belong" when I show up for practice. I'm trying to focus on doing my best in each workout instead of obsessing about the big event in July.
Then, the other morning, I was up at the crack of dawn in Central Park. It was 5:25 and I was meeting up with a group of beginners for our weekly coached workout. We were supposed to be doing a six mile time trial around the park. I had forgotten and suddenly, all kinds of negative thoughts crowded my brain.
"Time trial? Me? I just started cycling outdoors a few weeks ago. I'm still learning how to shift my gears and not crash," I protested.
I barely had time to digest the task when the coach said it was time to go. My new bike wobbled as I jammed my feet into the stirrups (Toe clips will be my next challenge to master!). For a moment, I felt defeated before we had even warmed up. But as I started pedaling and tuned into my body, I began to tune out the other people. I focused on my own loop and did my best.
"Run your own race," I told myself.
In the end, I did. And I exceeded my own expectations of my time. Bragging rights are still pretty cool even if they're in your own head.
From PSYCHOLOGY TODAY published on June 4, 2010
